Can't Sleep

I can't sleep.  I'm behind in my journal.  I'm resorting to this.

The biggest thing I've learned this year is that it SUCKS to be in love with someone who doesn't even like you back.  Of course, it sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back, but at least there's a chance there.  When it's someone who doesn't even remotely romantically like you, it sucks.  Royally sucks.  Like shoving a knife through your heart sucks.  Like can't sleep, don't feel like getting up in the morning, not seeing the point of going through mundane daily tasks sucks.  

And what am I supposed to do about it?  I try to get rid of it.  I keep myself busy.  I keep myself busier than I should be.  I focus on school, I focus on work, I focus on my future...  But I can't stop THINKING about it.  It's like being in love has replaced major parts of my brain.  This love took over parts of my brain that should exist, but they don't really anymore.  Which normally, that would be okay if the other person loved me back.  But when that isn't the case, my brain does not function correctly.  Happiness, peace, hope, faith in humanity, optimism, positivity, gone.  ALL GONE.  Replaced by pessimism, pointlessness, boredom, sadness, despair.  What is the point of love if it cannot be used?  Love is like a muscle, and if not used, you lose it.  Love has taken over all my good emotions, and I am losing them.

How do I get rid of love?  How do I make myself fall out of love?  As much as I try to make this person seem awful to me, I just can't.  I make lists, day and night, of WHY me and this other person could never work out.  I make lists of their faults, lists of what really isn't all that attractive about them, lists of how they're bad for me.  I tell myself I don't care about them, I make fun of them in my head, I try my hardest to get myself interested in other people.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  My subconscious counteracts all my stupid lists.  I don't care about their faults; they are perfect to me.  Of course there are little things that make them unattractive; everyone has those.  But even though there are some things I don't like, I know that this person is everything I've ever wanted in a spouse.

At first I wracked my brain.  How can I get them to like me more?  What can I do to make myself seem more appealing?  I tried to make more lists.  This time faults about myself that I could work on.  Because how could I give up on this person?  Of course it's hard to wait around for something that will probably never happen.  But how can I just give up when it's all I've ever wanted?  How can I give up on the thing I've wanted the most in my whole life?  

It's so hard to know whether to walk away or to try harder.

I feel like every time I pray, and every time I give up on this idea, I am led back to it.  I am led back to this same person.  
WHY?  Why lead me back to that person?  
Does this person like me?  Yes.  Do they love me?  Yes.  But not in the way that I want.  Not in the way that I need them to.  Not in the way I feel like it is meant to be every time I pray.  
Help me lose these feelings, I pray. Help me find someone else.  Give me feelings for someone else.

But it is like I'm on a merry-go-round.  I go off searching for someone, anyone else, and you lead me back to this same person.
WHY